still, can't say "I do"

The story of the runaway bride...

They were engaged; papers signed, vows exchanged.

Yet a week before the wedding day, the bride cancelled the wedding. She couldn't bring herself to say 'I do'. It wasn't because of the man she was getting married to. He is, in fact, the best guy she could ever marry... if she ever wants to get married.

She thought of life after marriage; a future of obligations. And possibly a contract for life. Her personal dreams and goals have to be foregone even before they are realised. People told her good life awaits after marriage and that she could do whatever she wants after that. "Will my dreams wait?" she asked, "will life wait for me?"

"Can true love lasts after marriage? Or will marriage bring an obligation to love no matter how much the heart might have changed?"

These were the very questions she knew all her life. Why then, did she agree to it in the first place? It was because everyone around her, in this world, wants to get married.

It was because the man she was getting married to, is the best guy she could ever get to marry to. If she missed him this time, it may almost be certain it's forever... or until she fulfilled her dreams.

"3 years to accomplish all the things I ever want to do with my life," she told herself. But it may take longer.

It was then not a matter of who the man is, but if she ever wants marriage in the first place.

But who in this world ever wondered about that question? Everyone does the same. It's for the better in life.

It's human instinct? Or is it the pressure to conform to the rest of society?

Noone should live for others. Noone owes us a living and we don't owe anyone a living.

"True love doesn't ask and wouldn't doubt. If one ever questions about what is true love, he probably hasn't found it yet."


I knew my choice all along. I just have to make the decision which agrees with it.

Choices and decisions don't always go well together.

But I want to manage my life.

a facade

I can't keep secret and I never kept any.

Yet it is ironical how getting to know my true sentiments is as though some kind of code-breaking. All sentiments encrypted. The passwords are given but others often failed to interpret the codes. Like a puzzle, an anagram... exposed but oblivious under the naked-eye.

-------------------------------------------------

I can never be the girl-next-door.

I'm too judgmental of everything, every new person even before they have a chance to present themselves. Perhaps I'm too self-protected to refrain anyone from having the slightest sentiment towards me. Leaving them clueless, with an impression of me often misinterpreted and misunderstood.

A paradox from the usual candor I have introduced myself with. A truth within the truth.

My hostility shields me from the remote, the unknown. Despite these, I can't help but to contradict my aversion with feelings of compassion.

almost there

A bleeding heart.

This is no sad story about romance but something that cuts deeper... life.

I thought I have given up completely but a shudder took me by the grip once again. a reawakening. a cycle.

Just a few days ago, lethargy creeped on me like no other time, leaving a body; a hollow shell as the essence of life is slowly sucked away, invisible but tangible. Tired. I am. I can feel as though my heart is sighing... so heavy that I almost thought it would stop beating. If the heart is connected to the body, then the light-headedness, restlessness, breathlessness, poor appetite expressed them all.

a lost appetite for everything - the voracity in life.

an ache accumulates in the head... probably it is coming to its senses afterall. coming to terms with something so illogical, so irrational.

I broke down, finally, infront of those who never knew. like uncovering what is behind the mask... it took them by surprise, revealing what's within.

the calling

I pronounced myself dead when I started to lose sight of faith. It was a struggle, like all transitions. It was tough coming terms to the fact that I will be relinquishing a life of faith, for at least the next decade... resembling a lone boat without its oars, flowing along to wherever the current takes it. I would think of it as a death in itself.

The dying days were spent in sudden onset of tears and swollen eyes. In sudden grief. A sense of loss. Mourning.

My own responsibility, my own decision. A decision but not a choice. A friend akin to my philosophy partner reminded me of it - that I am solely in charge for everything that is happening or will be happening to me. That sounds like the me who would stand firmly to my beliefs. Yet when I thought of the impending days, I was listless. I wasn't even sure if I can revert to my original self, one with willpower and resolution. Like all changes, forced or not, time fades away pain or perhaps we are just hiding from it. It is always there, like a scar - only concealed on the surface. We all learn to accept too easily, that is how school taught us and how life has shaped us. I dislike the part of me allowing myself to be consumed by the demands of reality.

Then... comes a sense of peace and norm. Like none of these has happened. Indifferent. Dead silence.

For a series of days, life was dreadful; things just went haywire. At times, that little part of me emerge... making me wonder if I was wrong. Humans being humans are apt to accept things. I started to think I should take this change or what has been decided seriously, yes, THINK, mind over heart. As I got closer to it, issues stuck out like needles on a melon. I began to lose faith in all the positive what-ifs. I started to think all things will mess up anyway. I started to hate. I started to get angry and frustrated. "Screw it up, so be it."

Just as things are going the wrong way, somehow each would find its own place, or it seems to be. I began to make myself settle and see within the what-ought-to-be. Maybe it is working. Maybe.

It was short-lived.

Till I found out that glimmer of hope still shines, that golden opportunity reappears for me to take the chance to get out of this dilemma. A dream come true... a life I desire and have always believed in. It almost sounds like the perfect way out like fairy god-mother to Cinderella. Unlike Cinderella, my fairy came too late... at a time that is hard for me to turn back. Or perhaps I wasn't as courageous as Cinderella to take chances at the very last-minute.

Am I too late to change my destiny?

I believe it's not too late, I still have the me-philosophy. It takes one to change everything. It's me.

Should I revive the dead?

Or should I allow myself to be reborn, life after this death; start life anew as a new person with new perspectives?

a day gone wrong

happiness has not forsaken us but we all have.

it was odd for a day meant to have many reasons for joy to turn out nasty.

I didn't feel anything has gone hay-wired until a friend reminded me. Her words didnt quite sink in until I sat myself down after a long day. Out of the blue, it struck on me how mean and unusual I had been that evening. And I didn't realise that until someone told me. Perhaps I knew but took it for granted. I couldn't control my emotions.

I felt I screwed up the night for everyone and those who should have mattered to me.

I couldn't even smile.

For once, for twice, I felt something up my throat and warm fuid welling up in my eyes but nothing else followed or that I wouldn't allow it to. I wasn't sad nor was I angry with anything or anyone. I just can't feel happiness in me.

I was perplexed that I didn't even know I was in a bad mood the whole time. I didn't feel it or know of its existence as if it has hidden itself away. When it came, it just hit like a bale of tears. Only that it didn't happen - I just felt a painful pang, a soreness in my heart.

So I was angry at myself for taking it out on others without realising it. It was most unkind.

I don't know if the bits of loss (of happiness) have built up to this or is it a totally different reason.

a weird thought came to me as to why people take their lives. it's not b'cos they want to end their lives but they just don't know how to live anymore.

it feels wrong

it feels wrong when it just doesn't feel right.

nothing feels right unless it's something one feels strongly about, and not harbouring every possibility that things will have a turn somehow.

the lack of 100%, absence of certainty still linger.

feeling wrong but not thinking it's wrong.

just like the heart is not where the mind is. they don't belong together.

dilemma arises b'cos of this. a conflict of the logical and the irrational.

it feels wrong when we refuse to listen to our inner voice.

one friend told me to go with the flow. I wished I have such forthrightness.

I hate it when I say 'I wished', like a coward.

others told me to focus on what has been decided.

The idealist vs the pragmatic.

it's never in my faith to let dreams go. how can one be without dreams and faith?

people hold back their dreams thinking they can wait. but they don't.

I'm so scared of losing it. the drive and passion that I have now.

passion is like fire. like fire, it burns out easily if there's no wood to keep it burning.

another friend said the start is always fearful and doubtful but if we never try, we never know.

but if somewhere in our mind exists this other place where we ourselves know it'll be nice if not the best, should we still let it go?

let it go and follow the others whom can't promise the same?

making sense of it all

I like to be in control. Take the front seat in my life. Make my plans and achieve my ends.

A control freak, at the same time, a wanderer. One who roams his life with no obligations, no definite answers. Do as the heart wants to. At his freewill. Only think of short-term plans for future is uncertain and faraway.

For some time, it seemed I have been living like this. Relishing life at full colour. A choice I would have been happy and contented with.

If this is a form of escapism, I admit I am.

Until that tiny part of me told me to let go, to come out of my comfort zone. I have been living too comfortable, far too comfortable - with little to worry for. I have little material wealth to speak of but my comfort comes from my state of content. A level of content that some warned is dangerous. Nevertheless, a state of content I would say some people spent the rest of their lives without.

The carefree soul, the Jack Sparrow in us.

Like Jack, without a care, life is never about future. Like him, I have been driving on my little roadtrip and singing like a silly man.

Only I am not in a movie. I am here in a place where we are always reminded that nothing is ever enough, noone can ever be satisfied.

Boo. But that is reality.

I can come up with tonnes of reasoning not to follow reality but I am pathetic human... a being that succumbed too easily.

I have too given up an easy life to confront reality. If I say dreams can be postponed, that is a lie. Dreams don't wait as like life don't wait for anyone. Nothing waits.

The realist says: Wake up! Dreams are lies. Fantasies. Distractions from reality.

I am imprisoned in a bag of obligations. The stakes are high. Fate is sealed.

I am thrown into a rollercoaster ride, bound to my seat till my journey ends.

la même histoire

munching on a blueberry muffin not only brought back the café moments at Pacific Coffee, it reminded me of my fondness and craving for sweet stuff as a child. caramel. toffees. candies.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I remember the tune that was playing while the credits were rolling for the movie, Paris, Je t'aime which left me staying in my seat till the very last of the song.

For those whom love listening to soundtracks, we never fail to play the tracks over and over again. It might be the eighth... or tenth time? How we never get sick of hearing the same tune... for that familar music replays the scenes in the movie that we wouldn't mind watching for the third or fourth time.

Nostalgia is a human habit and I do not deny I often fall victim to the latter.

a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time.

For movie-goers of Paris, Je t'aime, didn't we also yearn for some of Love Actually? And why do we watch The Notebook after A Walk to Remember even though we know they are about the same old cliché romance stories?
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Why do we keep buying clothes of the same designs and colours? How many times did we repeat ourselves, telling something that happened in the past?

Out of the blue, I see life as a circle.

Why is the earth round?

Why do we keep bumping into decisions that we have avoided? Why are we walking in circles... going round and round.

Like circles, without an end. Like circles, repetition.

Life is a cycle... and a cycle of many things.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I haven't lost my sweet tooth but my crave for sugar is certainly not the same as before.

For every love comes hate and for every sweet comes bitter. I grew to appreciate a little of that once perceived poignant taste.

My favourite snack now? Dark chocolates! A little of each!


And isn't it in life, we often have this bitter-sweet relationship?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

on being bored

		boredom, ennui, tedium
				the feeling of being bored by something tedious
		Category Tree: psychological feature ╚feeling ╚desire ╚longing; yearning ╚discontentment; discontent; discontentedness ╚dissatisfaction ╚boredom, ennui, tedium ╚fatigue ╚blahs

www.wordreference.com

Boredom kills sanity. Even its definition sounds ironic, 'bored by something tedious'. If there is even something tedious in boredom, what could it be? Link boredom with idling. days without work, without study and worst of all, without purpose. Quote from the book, Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow by Jerome K. Jerome, 'it is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do. There is no fun in doing nothing when you have nothing to do. Wasting time is merely an occupation then, and a most exhausting one. Idleness, like kisses, to be sweet must be stolen.' Indeed, one would take most pleasure in idling in midst of a busy day, like a teabreak at work or tv time during studying. Yet when you have time of your hands like you have dust settling on your furniture, idling can well lose its meaning. The art of idling isn't easy to master when you aren't one who takes pleasure in little things like watching the clock ticking away? I don't really enjoy teabreaks at work but I do enjoy doing things when I am not supposed to... like snacking on chocolates when I am sick, or chatting away when I am supposed to be out to study. The human tendancy to idle is huge. Perhaps the day you found yourself idling is when you find a day is more than 24 hours.

不同的感触

不知道为什么。。。 就是心血来潮，好久都没有认真地接触母语。大概有五年了吧，自从中学毕业后，我就不曾拿起一本华文书。。。 想起当时沉迷与瓊瑤及LOVEPOST愛爾蘭咖啡，晴天娃娃等的爱情小说也曾经让我陶醉在故事的情节当中；充满着小女孩纯真的幻想！学生时代的我也曾喜欢写华文作文，透过简单但真诚的方式把真实的故事描述出来。每一次的佳作都是那么真实， 感动啊。

不记得是什么时候，我开始忘了。。。 远离了这些。现实就是这样吧！我们不能拥有一切。。。 生命里就是有失，也有得。我们就是这样一直往前走。。。 喜新‘忘’旧。但如果人不一直往前看一又如何进步呢？现实就是这样残酷。我也丢开了一些纯真， 容易感动的我。。。 迎接那现实的一面。

在外来的语言里，我也总来找不到同样的感触来表达曾有过的感动。英文能唤起我的想法，给我启发。。。让我表达我所想到的。 法文让我看到如何通过语文来表达幻想。。。 透过美丽的字词化出生命的一切。

华文让我学会了感动，英文给我有了思想， 法文使我看见了。。。美。

guilty pleasures

the urge for a little dance, alcohol, live music and the beach creeped up on me.

all that rolled into one. tell me I'm addicted to something called 'nightlife'... the rice and bread of every party animal but never a word associated with a cinderella clubber who always leaves before midnight.

the yearning grew obvious ever since that beach party... I'm still missing something from that night.

perhaps its the tranquility of the beach at night... watching the darkness engulfing my entire field of vision, with occasional gleams from the seemingly calm sea - heaving peacfully right infront of my eyes and seeing glitters from the black starry sky above. listen to the waves. listen to the silence (quite an irony) as I desperately gaze into the darkness, across that abyss - searching for the horizon... the end till it all, some signs or signals... hoping, searching... like what I've been doing all these while.

nostalgia choked up that same memories I shared with my dearest pals as three of us chatted, paused, listened, watched... on the bed of rocks while feeling the sprinkles of water under our feet. thinking. wondering. pondering - about fate, future, life.

dance... to release the rigidity, suppression and restraints beyond my mental ability. stop holding back, let it out, express it all.

music... to feel life and beauty all at the same time.

alcohol... to be a little rebellious, unclear and less sensible at times.

la musique

music did something profound to me.

I see my life segmented by different songs... each piece conjuring up some memories at some point in my life... the things I did, my thoughts and feelings back then.

and somehow when I was in distress, a certain tune starts ringing in my ears and luring me to another place. a place where one should never worry and one should always be happy. and with this, I followed the instinct subconsciously and it did, I was as though hypnotized, and found myself moving towards an irrationale and idealistic self.

totally lost control of my mind.

ruled by my heart.

as I sank into the piece, I found peace and fulfillment as though I did the only right thing.

I found dreamland in music. another life in it.

If only reality is in the dreams and dreams are in reality.

to be happy and selfish

it's not easy to commit to the decision.

but I did.

it was tough, not on coming to the decision but rather, after making the decision, thinking about the aftermath, the what-ifs.

and pondering over the possible indication of my self - my weaknesses.

the young generation these days are thought to be self-centred and unfortunately or fortunately, I'm one of the culprits. I love myself too much. I can't afford to let myself dread on my life, hating what I do each day. I want myself to be happy and enjoy every single thing I do. I say no to anything that threatens to bring dread into my daily life. I'm overprotective about myself and I would fend myself from anything that is going to murder my personality.

I am indeed selfish.

Everything is just about me, me, me.

I can't afford to let myself compromise to compelling reasons to stay on though they are realistic. indeed they are. but I can't. I just care too much about what I'm feeling and going through and I can't bear to see the worse which is impending.

and in this selfish world where there is no space for anyone else, all I could think about is how I feel. I don't think about how others would respond, as though they don't matter. I just can't.

It's my life's reflex to be selfish if that can be a reason. I just don't know how to stop caring about my own feelings.

if I can, then I may be able to live a life like everyone's else... turning a blind eye to my inner self & doing what is logically correct. also a time when I will stop questioning, thinking, feeling, breathing and living.

une aventure sentimentale

like an epic of every great adventure, I began my own story... so long as I could remember, my story started when strings of musical notes streamed into my life at a young age.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true
Some day I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemondrops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me
Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why then, oh why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

('somewhere over the rainbow' by Arlen-Harburg)

a song that still rings a bell from those choir days... what I didn't realise is the great significance of the lyrics... a time when discipline, strictly no-nonsense and stubbornness overruled a twelve year-old, with a desire to grow up & see the future.

like all surprises in life, I too became a creator of music... the symphony, melody and life of music touched me. slowly but surely, it called out a part of me that woke up my inner self...

from self-consciousness to self-sensitivity, I found traces to a path as intuition would find me.

at a time when all are susceptible to influences, I am grateful that I was not addicted to anything but radio. as the sequence of events afterwards would allow a naive mind to follow through that dream fantasy world of exploring the often-thought impossible, it took me on a journey like Alice in Wonderland. I met the rabbit who took me on an extraordinary voyage. times when I learned to be bold and outrageous and did things I could not have imagined. he taught me to believe. belief became a strong conviction in my life. To take charge and lead my own life. To trust and have confidence. a different confidence that I've had. one which taught me strength.

I fell in love in the most interesting manner. infatuation as people would have called it. but I went ahead with my gut feeling & experienced the most fruitful ride on the road of emotions.

and I thought I found my passion... something I would want to do, love to do and enjoy doing. so I walked on, on my own, to pursue the way. yet also a time when I felt lost and aimless... when I thought I wasn't me.

if I've found the greatest lesson, it's falling in love with life itself. where seeking happiness is my only fulfilment. to find joy in the moment of living. to live for the moment. breathing life into every moment...

perfectionist but only human

I'm a downright idealist... all I ask from myself is the best yet now, I'm truly defeated.

totally defenceless.

I can't defend myself except with obvious excuses and I've enough of getting excuses for all the mistakes and my indequacy.

I have told myself to persist, to hold on till an appropriate time but it is no longer a matter of time. It is a matter of who I am and what I am. Perhaps it's not meant to be. I don't belong there and probably never meant to be there. I don't want to get my self-confidence wrecked to the last piece. Though it seems reasonable to lower my pride but I don't agree it's till the extent that I often feel inferior and incompetent... that I can't even look up to myself.

For the new year, I told myself I need to grow stronger. Yes. But is this the right way to do this? I questioned myself if I am trying to run away, to avoid my fears... if I resigned to admit it's just not my place-to-be. I thought hard. I didn't want to run away and hopefully I'm not running away. I'm trying to preserve the last bit of my identity... the one who aims high, strives hard and creates her own destiny.

I would not run away from facing a dilemma on my life direction.

But if growing stronger means to take ownership on my decisions, be brave to face the real questions in life... then it's time to rethink my path.

voir la vie en rose

all of us are searching for that purpose in life or might already have one. we are all driven by different motivations, and often associated with our needs, personalities and backgrounds.

what's life? probably it isn't about finding that purpose, that goal, that destination. it's about the many small steps we took.

plan but never plan too far ahead. plan for the next moment you are living for and not for the uncertainty that you may not live to see. be a pessimist who counts life day by day, be an optimist who cherish every next moment of life.

however mundane and dreadful the daily life can be, add that spark & vitality to it.

voir la vie en rose.

indulge in little pleasures of the everyday life.

make yourself happy and be happy about every single little things that can possibly make you happy.

small little acts can brighten up your day. good things come in small packages.

even a friendly smile or kind gesture from a stranger.

like how my teacher stepped out during class to make a copy of a missing page from my book, specially for me. So touched by his little act of kindness and thoughtfulness!

let love shine through! the natural love for fellow humans and love for life!

it's meaningless to wish for a long life. it's how we can maximise our life experience... to the every moment!

Voir la vie en rose by Edith Piaf

Des yeux qui font baisser les miens
Un rire qui se perd sur sa bouche
Voilà le portrait sans retouche
De l'homme auquel j'appartiens

Eyes which cause a drop in mine
A laughter which is lost in its mouth
Here is the portrait without final improvement
Of the man to which I belong

Quand il me prend dans ses bras,
Il me parle tout bas
Je vois la vie en rose,
Il me dit des mots d'amour
Des mots de tous les jours,
Et ça me fait quelque chose
Il est entré dans mon coeur,
Une part de bonheur
Dont je connais la cause,
C'est lui pour moi,
Moi pour lui dans la vie
Il me l'a dit, l'a juré
Pour la vie.
Et dès que je l'aperçois
Alors je sens en moi
Mon cour qui bat.

When it takes to me in its arms,
It speaks to me low
I see the life pink,
It tells me words of love
Words of tous.les.jours,
And that does something to me
It entered my heart,
A share of happiness
Whose I know the cause,
It is him for me,
Me for him in the life
It said it to me, swore
For the life.
And as soon as I see it
Then I feel in me
My court which beats.

Des nuits d'amour à plus finir
Un grand bonheur qui prend sa place
Des ennuis, des chagrins s'effacent
Heureuse à en mourir

Nights of love to finishing more
A great happiness which takes its place
Troubles, sorrows are erased
Happy to die about it

Des nuits d'amour à en mourir
Un grand bonheur qui prend sa place
Les ennuis, les chagrins s'effacent
Heureux, heureux pour mon plaisir

Nights of love to die about it
A great happiness which takes its place
The troubles, sorrows are erased
Happy, happy for my pleasure

to want

something tagged along from x'mas last year and haven't left me since.

my eyes sparkled. thoughts ran through for merely a second. it's deal.

each time I spent lesser time thinking and deciding that makes shopping a disaster.

yes I caught the virus that everyone has been warning me about since young. it's freaky.

it's freaky not only cos I ended up with buys that I couldn't convince myself to wear or use, and realising i'm splurging unnecessarily... the worst, I'm losing the sense of liking something very much and wanting it. it's not that I'm without desires but settling for something less than desired is becoming a norm.

as a child, I used to be that little girl throwing tantrums and pestering my mum to get me my favourite toys and books... can cry and grumble for days. then as I grew up, I learned to save up for something I really like... and everything works on a reward system. we know to get something we want, we have to work for it. later on, we got a little carried away and spent as we saw something we liked. now, i'm not even sure if I really like what I bought.

is it impulse? is it a shopaholic syndrome? or that I'm slowly forgetting what is it like to want and to crave for something.

to like, to fall in love with, to be crazy over, to be infatuated with, to be thinking about everyday...

love

'love' is a big word.

we first learned of its spelling and what it's about from fairytales, tv dramas and songs... the special bond between man and woman. but even before we knew that it is spelled L-O-V-E... all of us were already in touch with the word since the day we first opened our eyes to this world... that between parents and children, brothers and sisters. we learned to care and look after each other... and how we used to draw those colourful cards and messages on special days or to cheer up someone.

and all around me, people are in love!

romance between the opposite genders... that attraction or for some, an affinity. that special chemistry. there are people who are looking for love and people who are waiting for love. and when you opened that little doors to your heart, it's not that hard to fall in love! when asked for the reason that attracted someone to their partner, how many people avoided that question in a cliche way, 'it's hard to explain love...' there must be at least a single reason why... if you bother to ask yourself the question. it may seem silly or foolish to explain love but it's all in yourself... it's who you are that makes what partner you have.

the day I learned of Valentine's and it happened to be the day I was born... I could have brushed it aside as pure coincidence or rather not, I thought of its significance that perhaps I have a mission... to spread the message of love... that between man and woman, parents and children, brothers and sisters, friends, humans and humans. to me, its meaning has to be cherishing bonds and finding happiness.

and my achievement so far? we'll see...

love... what a beautiful way to conclude the year.

finding peace

never confront a friend when you are angry or never write a letter when you are in a bad mood. heard that umpteen times and it's so applicable... I almost did at least one of the above before and yes... the previous blog I wrote, I have a huge urge to delete it right away cos I don't feel my frustrations anymore... at least for now.

well well, at all beauty pageants... we heard the two big words "world peace". those are still pretty empty words now. what I really want is to find peace with myself. not a good selection of phrase either for that can sound like an absolute but I don't mean it that way. it's like humans being humans, we find faults with many things... but the root of it all, we found fault with ourselves. discontentment being a very good reason. and to be simple in life is just to stay contented! and that doesn't sounds too easy either.

I remember telling my friends that we can all have a similar purpose in life but yet what makes up and defines the purpose differs from people to people. what does a sense of security mean to someone? what does happiness mean? our different backgrounds shaped our perceptions and thus our priorities... I deemed the simplicity in life is to be happy as a person. so I seek my purpose in life... finding that purpose... working towards it and making things work out that way. my friend thinks she is simple cos she said she doesn't seek out the different way in life... she just hopes to finish the studies, get a good job, get married, etc. but ultimately, isn't that the same? all we ask for is a simple and happy life. but we see it so differently. she thinks I'm complicated when I don't seem to agree. cos I'm only asking for the same.

then how do we define simplicity in life?

my life

so what's up and about lately?

I haven't got the space to take a pause from the daily life, take a breather, a second to see myself in the reflection. had some frustrations at work, cooled down and found peace with myself and yet again, frustrated... this time with work. it's just part and parcel of working life, some ups and downs everyone faced. but for the second time, I simply can't shrug it off as a norm. it's a problem with me... can I cope? can I manage? am I right for the job or is the job right for me? struggles with a first job. as much as my friends try to comfort me that I'm new and needs time to get the hang of things, but I can no longer tolerate excuses for myself. am I dumb?

or is my inner perfectionist acting up? I have too much dignity and pride to speak of, self-centred and care too much about how I feel. I tried to shove away negativity with optimism that things will work out in the end. but even as I allow my patience to sink in, not everyone else would. some realistic assessment of the real working world.

to think that years ago, I have always wished to grow up faster and get out of that school uniform... how I used to have dreams and hopes about the future.

Now I'm in it.

I just received a note to write on my hobby, wishes for the new year. I got a little excited thinking about the wonderful things in life.

but when I got down to write, I thought those are just my hopes, wishes and ideals...

how far away are they?

no, not far... at least I took my first step.