a day gone wrong
happiness has not forsaken us but we all have.
it was odd for a day meant to have many reasons for joy to turn out nasty.
I didn't feel anything has gone hay-wired until a friend reminded me. Her words didnt quite sink in until I sat myself down after a long day. Out of the blue, it struck on me how mean and unusual I had been that evening. And I didn't realise that until someone told me. Perhaps I knew but took it for granted. I couldn't control my emotions.
I felt I screwed up the night for everyone and those who should have mattered to me.
I couldn't even smile.
For once, for twice, I felt something up my throat and warm fuid welling up in my eyes but nothing else followed or that I wouldn't allow it to. I wasn't sad nor was I angry with anything or anyone. I just can't feel happiness in me.
I was perplexed that I didn't even know I was in a bad mood the whole time. I didn't feel it or know of its existence as if it has hidden itself away. When it came, it just hit like a bale of tears. Only that it didn't happen - I just felt a painful pang, a soreness in my heart.
So I was angry at myself for taking it out on others without realising it. It was most unkind.
I don't know if the bits of loss (of happiness) have built up to this or is it a totally different reason.
a weird thought came to me as to why people take their lives. it's not b'cos they want to end their lives but they just don't know how to live anymore.
it was odd for a day meant to have many reasons for joy to turn out nasty.
I didn't feel anything has gone hay-wired until a friend reminded me. Her words didnt quite sink in until I sat myself down after a long day. Out of the blue, it struck on me how mean and unusual I had been that evening. And I didn't realise that until someone told me. Perhaps I knew but took it for granted. I couldn't control my emotions.
I felt I screwed up the night for everyone and those who should have mattered to me.
I couldn't even smile.
For once, for twice, I felt something up my throat and warm fuid welling up in my eyes but nothing else followed or that I wouldn't allow it to. I wasn't sad nor was I angry with anything or anyone. I just can't feel happiness in me.
I was perplexed that I didn't even know I was in a bad mood the whole time. I didn't feel it or know of its existence as if it has hidden itself away. When it came, it just hit like a bale of tears. Only that it didn't happen - I just felt a painful pang, a soreness in my heart.
So I was angry at myself for taking it out on others without realising it. It was most unkind.
I don't know if the bits of loss (of happiness) have built up to this or is it a totally different reason.
a weird thought came to me as to why people take their lives. it's not b'cos they want to end their lives but they just don't know how to live anymore.
posted by Jerylene at 01:22
1 Comments:
*hugs dear*
sometimes along the way, we cant help but to feel this way, only to feel more regretful than ever..
however, things will pass and sooner or later, u'll prob find it weird that u reacted in a certain way... losing control and to take it out on others is a reflex action sometimes, we dun realize it, but we're inflicting the hurt onto the ppl we love, and love us, most...
anyway, your last statement abt the suicide-rs.. i kinda of agree in a way.. at that moment, they were feeling more than just 'lost'; they cant see [or want to see, for that matter] for what goes on before them if they carry on living.. but they have forgotten what goes on AFTER they commit this moment of folly that inflicts a pain that lasts forever...
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