a smudge

For the past days, I was entangled in such inexplicable grief. A deep sense of loss. So hurt and badly cut inside.

Things are never going to be the same anymore.

Like a present given and taken back. The feeling will never be the same even if the gift is given back eventually. The feelings of joy and anticipation are now tainted with doubt, suspicion and uncertainty. It will never be the same again. Like an original beautifully painted landscape now spoilt by a smudge. No matter how much we try to re-patch the painting, it will still be a painting with a smudge. An imperfect one.

It's easy to lose something and recover it. But it's hard to lose a feeling and recover it.

Trying hard to fight back and hold back the fluid state of emotions... caught in the throat. It's hard to refuse their flow.

en vacances

I'm still very sore about it. Waking up in the shower in sobs made me realise that I care very much, making the possibility of letting it go enough to kill me in a very painful way.

But I never like to let myself wallow in unhappiness. Distraction. Shifting my focus to something lifting... like a break-away, an escapade for a breather. I need to get away from my life for awhile. Somewhere where I can stop thinking about my life now, worrying about what is and what is not. A time to help me put things in perspective. Taking a step away to see the bigger picture.

I need a holiday.

all but empty

A face of nonchalance masked the emotions within... emotions which are surging and growing by the moment till I could hide it no more. What could I have said or reacted? ... when an opportunity was presented and yet snatched away all in the same dream... without having time to wake up and consider the ugly truth of reality. like a dream and a nightmare all at the same time.

Heart sank. Disappointment. Dreams are falling. Hopes are fading ... and that line of trust, belief and faith of ideals, or that hard work does pay... all pale in colour. All that seem insignificant now.

It's not the final decision but I can't help but to first mourn over the negative possibility. Agitated. Upset. Streaks of pain inside me burst into my brain, ache. A state of minor delirium... it's not fair (to me). why do I feel a sense of denial and betrayal. but more so is the agony felt on the verge of losing something that was accepted wholeheartedly yet falsefully given. all that coming terms to commitment and change wasn't all that easy. but what was hardest of all is to realise all these are all but bubbles. empty promises.

Say no more that it's a time to fight. I knew I should. But aggressiveness is not part of my genes. Let me be human and sink into pillows of my meekly self. Say no more to embracing novelty and change... when these can be all but empty.