perfectionist but only human

I'm a downright idealist... all I ask from myself is the best yet now, I'm truly defeated.

totally defenceless.

I can't defend myself except with obvious excuses and I've enough of getting excuses for all the mistakes and my indequacy.

I have told myself to persist, to hold on till an appropriate time but it is no longer a matter of time. It is a matter of who I am and what I am. Perhaps it's not meant to be. I don't belong there and probably never meant to be there. I don't want to get my self-confidence wrecked to the last piece. Though it seems reasonable to lower my pride but I don't agree it's till the extent that I often feel inferior and incompetent... that I can't even look up to myself.

For the new year, I told myself I need to grow stronger. Yes. But is this the right way to do this? I questioned myself if I am trying to run away, to avoid my fears... if I resigned to admit it's just not my place-to-be. I thought hard. I didn't want to run away and hopefully I'm not running away. I'm trying to preserve the last bit of my identity... the one who aims high, strives hard and creates her own destiny.

I would not run away from facing a dilemma on my life direction.

But if growing stronger means to take ownership on my decisions, be brave to face the real questions in life... then it's time to rethink my path.

voir la vie en rose

all of us are searching for that purpose in life or might already have one. we are all driven by different motivations, and often associated with our needs, personalities and backgrounds.

what's life? probably it isn't about finding that purpose, that goal, that destination. it's about the many small steps we took.

plan but never plan too far ahead. plan for the next moment you are living for and not for the uncertainty that you may not live to see. be a pessimist who counts life day by day, be an optimist who cherish every next moment of life.

however mundane and dreadful the daily life can be, add that spark & vitality to it.

voir la vie en rose.

indulge in little pleasures of the everyday life.

make yourself happy and be happy about every single little things that can possibly make you happy.

small little acts can brighten up your day. good things come in small packages.

even a friendly smile or kind gesture from a stranger.

like how my teacher stepped out during class to make a copy of a missing page from my book, specially for me. So touched by his little act of kindness and thoughtfulness!

let love shine through! the natural love for fellow humans and love for life!

it's meaningless to wish for a long life. it's how we can maximise our life experience... to the every moment!

Voir la vie en rose by Edith Piaf

Des yeux qui font baisser les miens
Un rire qui se perd sur sa bouche
Voilà le portrait sans retouche
De l'homme auquel j'appartiens

Eyes which cause a drop in mine
A laughter which is lost in its mouth
Here is the portrait without final improvement
Of the man to which I belong

Quand il me prend dans ses bras,
Il me parle tout bas
Je vois la vie en rose,
Il me dit des mots d'amour
Des mots de tous les jours,
Et ça me fait quelque chose
Il est entré dans mon coeur,
Une part de bonheur
Dont je connais la cause,
C'est lui pour moi,
Moi pour lui dans la vie
Il me l'a dit, l'a juré
Pour la vie.
Et dès que je l'aperçois
Alors je sens en moi
Mon cour qui bat.

When it takes to me in its arms,
It speaks to me low
I see the life pink,
It tells me words of love
Words of tous.les.jours,
And that does something to me
It entered my heart,
A share of happiness
Whose I know the cause,
It is him for me,
Me for him in the life
It said it to me, swore
For the life.
And as soon as I see it
Then I feel in me
My court which beats.

Des nuits d'amour à plus finir
Un grand bonheur qui prend sa place
Des ennuis, des chagrins s'effacent
Heureuse à en mourir

Nights of love to finishing more
A great happiness which takes its place
Troubles, sorrows are erased
Happy to die about it

Des nuits d'amour à en mourir
Un grand bonheur qui prend sa place
Les ennuis, les chagrins s'effacent
Heureux, heureux pour mon plaisir

Nights of love to die about it
A great happiness which takes its place
The troubles, sorrows are erased
Happy, happy for my pleasure

deuxieme lecon

Aujourd'hui, c'est ma deuxieme lecon de francaise!

C'est jour le plus jovial par la sermaine! N'est pas travailler! francaise seulement! J'aime beaucoup!

Le deniere nuit, j'ai fait mes devoirs jusq'u a 1 heure du matin! Tous les jours, j'etudie francaise jusq'u matin! j'aime ca!

Je suis arrivee a l'ecole vers 9 h du matin! Mon professeur demande qu'est-ce qu nous faisons hier... Je suis travaille! Mais ce n'est pas correct! Le deniere lecon en passe compose, c'est "J'ai travaille!" Mon professeur poste des questions pour moi et pour moi lire a haute voix! Ma prononciation n'est pas parfait mais je suis heureux pour le chance pour parler en classe! J'apprend parler a les fetes et j'apprend les fetes en france (Mardi Gras). Et, nous avons ecrire en la fete; qu'est-ce que nous faisons pour le nouvel ans chinois... C'est interessant!

Apres le lecon, je suis allee la mediatheque mais je ne sais pas ou! Mais je trouve finalement! C'est ma premiere fois! J'emprunte trois CDs de francais! Allegria, La Marche de L'empereur et Jeux d'enfants! C'est sympa!

learning French

yes. finally. it feels so good to be back learning french!

time to cast away the fatigue, stress and worries from the daily work, just indulge in my pure joy of learning french!

my first day in school
-----------------------------
I woke up in the morning and found myself a student again! Packed my dictionary and books, and I was off to school like the good old days. on the train, I was engrossed in my last minute catch up... final touch up!

some french conversations crossed my way as I was approaching the school. I was rather sure I spotted my previous french teacher... but I had to rush.

I got my student card, officially a student of the french school!

my first impression of the classrooms - 'cool'. blue and white. and the exterior of the classroom looked like some cool labs. a rather refreshing feel. 308. got into my class and met the other students.

I heard 'Bonjour!' as our professor stepped in. I was still wondering if I was in the right class. But yes, my professor... a tall, well-dressed and mature frenchman. so I was expecting some rapid french conversations from him. and we did. plenty of french and barely english. I believe I was the first to cut in with english cos I haven't been speaking french in class since 2 years ago. I was rather slow in catching up cos I'm the only one who is still new to the school. so the whole class started in french and mainly french... while I struggled with my french-english conversation with the professor. but I must say, he is a really helpful teacher. he walks around to correct our work, make us take turns to answer questions, clarify any doubts and he is a fast walking-dictionary!

so we were asked on what we did on christmas/new year, our professions, what we like doing during weekends...
for instance, I replied... 'pour le nouvel an, je suis allee... (I paused and signalled quotation marks with my fingers to suggest non-french words)... 'the beach' avec mes amies.' in short, I wanted to say I went to the beach with my friends for the new year. and my teacher offered to translate the words for me. on my occupation, I couldn't translate my job title at all and I just said which company I'm working for. and when its comes to hobby.... 'j'aime ecouter la musique et faire du shopping.' asked which type of music I like... I was totally blank and I wanted to say everything but I said the simple one I know, classical music! though I'm not a great fan of it. I wanted to say I play an instrument but I have no idea how to say that! even saying classical music is a problem to me... in french , it's 'musique classique chinoise'. and I don't mean I like Chinese classical music but anyway it's the easiest way out & my french teacher even asked me if I meant that I like Chinese opera. I objected violently of course!

we also had a listening comprehension which we had about 5 repeats of the audio cos none of us could catch what the audio was about. our professor actually paused and explained each question to make sure we could understand what the speaker was saying. and yes he tried to explain 'la consigne' by telling us how one travelled from Singapore to France on a business trip and a whole stretch of story all in french, to tell us it means 'left-baggage'.

right. what a way to start my french class.

and my thoughts?

I'm enjoyng and loving every moment of it. it's barely studying at all! it's all about enjoying the language, it's an indulgence... and man, if only I can do this every single day, life would be parfait & so enjoyable!

looking forward to the next lesson.

we are blind

we are lost.

all of us are.

we are caught in a maze. trapped. stuck. lost. aimless.

all of us are in an identity crisis everynow and then. if you are lost, you are not alone. so many of us faced the same dilemma. been there done that. and we'll face it again. we walked through life as though we are blind, we can't see for sure what is ahead of us even though normal life has guided us and enabled us to predict, to forecast what is ahead. but in life, we are all blind. we can't see. we can't be sure. we don't know what is out there, up there.

what is real is the ground we are stepping on, the earth we feel running in between our toes. perhaps we aren't even sure where we are, what is around us. we are only sure of what we can touch in our hands, feet and on our skin.

the future is intangible.

then how are we supposed to move on? like all men who can't see, we got to learn to trust, to have faith and believe in ourselves and what we can feel. and it's often people like these who can sense life in a different dimension. feel. we hold on to something we believe in and follow that direction, that sense, that trust, that faith and belief.

like the blind man who don't know where the road leads him, we don't know where our paths lead us to. but as long as we have faith in ourselves and that something we held on too, we found a direction too. the destination is unclear. but throughout the journey, we had a direction, perhaps a goal...

the blind man may get lost, may fall but on his way... he held firmly to the rail and walked his every next step like he knew.

we may be blind but we gotta learn to trust.

to want

something tagged along from x'mas last year and haven't left me since.

my eyes sparkled. thoughts ran through for merely a second. it's deal.

each time I spent lesser time thinking and deciding that makes shopping a disaster.

yes I caught the virus that everyone has been warning me about since young. it's freaky.

it's freaky not only cos I ended up with buys that I couldn't convince myself to wear or use, and realising i'm splurging unnecessarily... the worst, I'm losing the sense of liking something very much and wanting it. it's not that I'm without desires but settling for something less than desired is becoming a norm.

as a child, I used to be that little girl throwing tantrums and pestering my mum to get me my favourite toys and books... can cry and grumble for days. then as I grew up, I learned to save up for something I really like... and everything works on a reward system. we know to get something we want, we have to work for it. later on, we got a little carried away and spent as we saw something we liked. now, i'm not even sure if I really like what I bought.

is it impulse? is it a shopaholic syndrome? or that I'm slowly forgetting what is it like to want and to crave for something.

to like, to fall in love with, to be crazy over, to be infatuated with, to be thinking about everyday...