perfectionist but only human

I'm a downright idealist... all I ask from myself is the best yet now, I'm truly defeated.

totally defenceless.

I can't defend myself except with obvious excuses and I've enough of getting excuses for all the mistakes and my indequacy.

I have told myself to persist, to hold on till an appropriate time but it is no longer a matter of time. It is a matter of who I am and what I am. Perhaps it's not meant to be. I don't belong there and probably never meant to be there. I don't want to get my self-confidence wrecked to the last piece. Though it seems reasonable to lower my pride but I don't agree it's till the extent that I often feel inferior and incompetent... that I can't even look up to myself.

For the new year, I told myself I need to grow stronger. Yes. But is this the right way to do this? I questioned myself if I am trying to run away, to avoid my fears... if I resigned to admit it's just not my place-to-be. I thought hard. I didn't want to run away and hopefully I'm not running away. I'm trying to preserve the last bit of my identity... the one who aims high, strives hard and creates her own destiny.

I would not run away from facing a dilemma on my life direction.

But if growing stronger means to take ownership on my decisions, be brave to face the real questions in life... then it's time to rethink my path.