December

Painful.

Yes, it could not better fit that feeling that I am having now, inside.

The silence could not be much more deafening than this. It kept ringing in my head every minute, every second... reminding me. Mourning. I am all by myself, left all alone in the empty space and emptiness.

My eyes swelled every time I spoke of the present and the future. I felt this sense of loss, like a part of me just died.

No other disappointment and anger at this moment could be more overwhelming than this pain that I am feeling.

I could almost see this door infront of me, closing on me as each day draws nearer. It is almost like darkness is setting in, sinking in like ink creeping on a piece of white sheet.

Why do I not feel any sense of relief and joy from the coming days of freedom? On the contrary, I am feeling a deepening sense of solitude, uncertainty and uneasiness...

December is arriving and I am so dreading it.

holding the fort

All alone to hold the fort.

It wasn't that easy afterall... to see people leaving one by one.

It was like rowing a boat to nowhere all by myself. Now the darkness sinks in and I am beginning to lose faith of where I am going and what I am doing. Even though I know that time will soon come for me to abandon the boat too but it takes so much more courage to row the boat all by myself, bringing it to complete the last leg of my journey.

It was once a boat driven by a team of crew, and now it has become an abandoned boat roaming aimlessly on the sea.

It saddens me deeply to see the state it is now, and so do the rest of the crew. Disappointed and frustrated, one by one they left the boat.

What has become of it?

What will become of me?

Letting go will be tough but hanging on, too, needs courage.

where's the kindness?

Suddenly I felt like a novice in this human relations world. So clueless about how things work between people.

I found it so complex, so hard to comprehend.

Why is there a darker side to everyone and everything? Can't people just do and think as they say? There are so many contradictions that I felt so disappointed, so hard to accept... Thoughts flooded my mind trying to make sense of it all but I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe.

I didn't know what to do next.

People tell me to abandon kindness for there is none in this world, that reciprocal kindness doesn't exist... "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" is all but a fairytale. That it doesn't pay to be kind.

I need to learn to be mean to protect my own interests, they said.

But I found it so uneasy, so difficult to accept. For a moment, I thought that I have been really silly and foolish all this while.

I am struggling to find faith in this world, in people again.