Taking a break

It's very unlike me to be picking up a book on happiness but I did.

When things get out of control, beyond my own control, I felt the need for reassurance. Only a few chapters into 'Nine rooms of happiness', I was enlightened. Enlightened that I was not at all unhappy about my life, about myself but just frustrated with the way things are happening beneath my expectations. And that is not uncommon. R ealising or reaffirmig that the issue is not an issue at all, that this is but a small hump on the road that I must cross... that this isn't a big problem at all.

Life is much bigger, larger than our problems. Having one hump on one of the roads, doesn't mean that we can't carry on walking on the other roads that are open to us. Life is more than just one single purpose, has more than one single destination. There are other things to do, other things that are meaningful too. One door closes to show that there are other open doors. It is not all about opening that door, getting over that hump... perhaps, it just means that we gotta look the other way, the other sides of life that we have been missing out on.

Instead of forcing ourselves to find a solution, to find an answer, maybe we should just disregard the problem for a moment and focus on something else. Of course, we can't keep running away from what is right infront of us. There is a time to let go (momentarily) and to revisit when the time is ripe.

low

I never felt this low before. It was like they say, "it's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all". In my case, it doesn't apply to a relationship but a job. I never thought that I would feel this awful, this uneasy about letting it go completely. I did toy with the idea for umpteen times when things are not getting anywhere but somehow I always managed to find peace and content in the way things are.

It a kind of attachment that grows with time.

I knew it and thus I have been wanting a change before I developed too strong feelings and couldn't bear to let go. It is this love-hate relationship that weakens my desire to change. Time and time again, I tried to let go but held back. I knew that things are not going to get better yet I am convinced by that glimmer of hope that perhaps things will get better.

Now that it dawned on me that the worse might be here, I am forced to confront the almost reality. It's time to go. I couldn't bear the thought of leaving, the thought of letting go of things I am so used to doing, things that gives me satisfaction, things that makes me smile, things that I am so driven to accomplish and do well. And also the place, the environment and the people I met... and the time I spent here, working every minute to make things work out perfectly. Is this really the end of it all? A journey that must end this soon... a journey that left so many footprints that I will keep for the rest of my life.

It is so unreal...