Feeling strange, confused and unsettled about the present and coming days. It troubles me. I have expected that things will turn out this way, sooner or later. Now that it dawned on us earlier that we had thought, we are forced to relook at things that we have been trying to avoid. The time has come. The time is now.
I have been preparing myself for a change far too long. So long that it becomes a reflex to stay put, to stay in the current state of comfort and content.
Yet to make the change takes far more courage and decisiveness than before. The sense of attachment to the environment, my commitments and people that I got acquainted with was stronger than I knew. Letting go is going to be tough and so is starting anew. Feelings of empathy and identifying with the situation made me believe that she was much stronger than me to have let go and start anew.
Many random plans... new places to travel for work and leisure, new instrument to learn, new activity to do.
All sounds like exciting plans to me... being new and unfamiliar but most of all, random.
They were not planned in advance. Many of these were decided with just an impromptu flick of the finger and here I go.
No pre-preparation and research done thus far. I decided to just go with the flow. Or at least, that's what I am feeling now since I am just feeling that bit of laziness to lay back and let things move into place naturally.
So in 2 weeks, my 'accidental' holiday begins in Saigon and thereafter I am on call for another impromptu work trip to who knows, the land of the French... also eagerly anticipating my music lessons in Ukulele and that much relaxing yoga by the sea.
What a month!
Full of random plans and I am hoping that all these get materialised!
The busy days finally came to an end. It was strange how I had been looking forward to the end of this hectic days and now I am missing those days again. The constant anticipation to the results and the end was the main driving force and motivation to move ahead. Now that it was over, there was a sense of satisfaction and relief as well as sense of loss - a sense of loss from the separation and discontinuation of the process of anticipation, and some bits of nostalgia from the surreality of it all.
The fact that I have to face certain issues that were already in my mind after this was also one of the reasons I didn't really want this to end so soon. The sentiments and passion for what I have been doing are no doubt a big part of my motivation to have come this far. The satisfaction and experiences from the last few days have also unexpectedly strengthened these sentiments. There might be some influence from the conversations I had over the past few days that made me feel that I am still in the right place.
I am hesitant, once again, if I am ready for a change now.
Amazed at the speed of the time, the changes with time and the catching up in age.
Amazed at how I could relate to things and people whom I have met 8, 11 or 13 years ago. To have known people for almost half my lifetime, to have memories that date 8 years back - all these sound a little overwhelming for merely having breathed on this earth for 24 years.
Many precious memories and sentiments over the past 24 years but still, I have only seen and experienced little of what this world and this life have to offer. There seems to be so much more that can and needs to be done during this lifetime, in this present world. Another half of a lifetime, another 24 more years, perhaps more, perhaps less... all these suddenly sound a little too much to be thought about, to grasp and to feel.
Perhaps there is a capacity to how much we can hold; memories, feelings, yearnings and grievances. It is probably easier to empty what's in the past to allow room for new memories and feelings. Somehow, the inertia of nostalgia holds them back and refuses to let go. How long more can I long for the same things that I have been yearning for? How long more will I be willing to let loose and allow some things to be erased from the past?
Some changes come naturally with time while some only breed under the right conditions... conditions where it allows room for changes.
