30 October 2007

holding on

Every start is filled with either fear or anticipation. I had neither. Perhaps it is a form of evasion from reality. But since a few bad experiences (on a second thought, there is probably only one), I thought the best way to start is to have no expectations at all. I hope I am right. I am keeping my fingers crossed. Holding on. The lack of passion worries me still; that for once, I am doing something I am not sure about.

I fell sick. Definitely not a good way to start. I hope my body is not giving me the reflexes... not so soon.

When can I stop holding on and start moving on?


25 October 2007

a broken ship

Life is unfair in many ways but not all unfairness is given, most of it is created.

There are people who truly care about us, yet we chose to ignore and put our affection on others who might in turn disregard us like we did to the ones who care.

It is a vicious cycle. You undo to others what you want them undo to you.

I can't remember how, but often the most valued things were lost in the most invaluable way. It is a question of trust and a matter of choice, that we suddenly turn the weapons against each other, that we choose to drift apart and forget all those things we shared. A three-hour call in the middle of the night that would warm our hearts in the past seems all bothersome and time-consuming now. Sending a message to ask you how you are doing which used to excite our little hearts but only to receive a hesitant, one-word reply today. When letter-writing seems all silly, when meeting up seems to take forever, when we are finding hard to speak to each other like good old times...

It's over, or almost over.

A part of me refuse to let it become history.

It is not hard to understand that it takes two to clap. But when will I ever hear an echo?

5 ships sank... one I tried to save, died down on me too.

We sailed on this ship for too long, and on too peaceful seas... when now there is a creak, we are at a loss of what to do.

I spoke too much. You spoke too little but I've gotten used to it that even the little words you say, I can see how much they really mean. But things gone wrong for you, whatever I said... you read too much into it and took it personally. When I wanted to ask, you said that I can't understand. When I stopped asking and said something, you said I misinterpreted you.

Maybe I am judgmental at times, but now I am judged before I spoke my words clear. How can I talk to you, like the good old days?

Every time we met, there is unspoken silence and awkwardness which I slowly learned to brush away.

22 October 2007

the show must go on

I was enthusiastically getting some company to do some theatre-going some time ago. We got our tickets but soon I was forgetting about it till a few days before. I'm glad I did not procrastinate on going to the show. I went there, not knowing what to expect. It was supposed to be part of a dance festival but a controversial theatre show was what caught my eye. I didn't know if it was going to be like a musical, a play or something else. All I know is, it is my first time spending my penny on any arts festival, for the sake of catching art.

We found ourselves heading to a theatre studio for this particular one. 'Studio' reminds me of the spacious, long room we had for dancing classes. The crowd in the queue was a mass of foreigners and most look like dancers, choreographers and art students. We felt ousted for a short while. The show wasn't expecting a large audience in the venue but seats were quickly filled. No latecomers entertained. No intermission.

Honestly, I was more intrigued by the description of the choreographer, Jérôme Bel. And, it was that vivid impression I had in my mind that caught my attention of the man himself while he was heading for a seat at the back.

While seats were still filling in, what was presented in front of our eyes was complete darkness, so pitch black you couldn't really tell if there's anyone on the ground.

Before the show even began, there were banging noises coming from the back, it aroused my suspicion if it might be a surprise starting since the choreographer himself was sitting at the back.

After the official declaration for the show open, all lights were out and we found ourselves in complete darkness. It was not that unusual until you realised that the lights were not coming back.

The Show Must Go On
Jérôme Bel


Music is
playing which signals to you this is not a technical error but an intentional part of the show. In the darkness, the lyrics of the song are forcing into your ears even if you aren’t paying attention to them. For 12 minutes, I am at times mindful if I am missing out some details even in the darkness. I see two blurry lights on the ceiling which I try to associate to the song which describes words of night. But I zoom in with my glasses later to find out they are just two tiny stage lights.

That is just the beginning of what Jerôme could do to you!

Some in the audience are giggling in the dark and some are whispering. Even I am starting to get impatient.

You see the AV man positioned right at the front before the first row. He is a distraction when you see and hear him switching discs every now and then. It strikes me how unprofessional he is as the AV man, if he is indeed one.

When the lights slowly return, I am as if questioning my vision ability as it comes back really slow and misty. The song "let the sunshine in" is blasting away.

The first act sees some 18 people on stage, clad in tee and jeans like normal folk. They walk out randomly, stop randomly in their places... like playing the game, 'Simon says'. Every single one looks like they are in a daze.

The music changes and when the words "let's dance"pop out in the song, these people are as though hypnotised. They start dancing heartily as if they are partying in a club.

The next one makes you unable to contain your laughter. Each of them is doing some quirky action that is repetitive for the whole of the song which sings "keep on moving moving". One guy is banging himself on the floor. Another one is shaking her bum. A girl is undressing and dressing herself. One guy keeps fiddling with his zip. One girl is slapping the curtains. One guy is swinging his tee like a madman. We can't help but to burst out laughing. You start wondering if you are watching "juste pour rire" because by this stage, Jérôme is as though warning you this is not your conventional art show. There is no need to hold back yourself. It's time to let your hair down.

As the tune "ballerina girl" comes on, what might be oblivious to the audience trigger even louder laughter but the guys of the group apparently dismiss themselves. So picture girls of all sorts; big, small, young and old... none of them appears to be professional ballet dancers. They are imitating the ballet dance moves, albeit without much success, it strikes to you on how ordinary people can have dreams.

When the next lyric moves to "dancer for money", even it is not an out-of-ordinary or creative move, the DJ or AV man suddenly rise from his seat and position himself on the stage. All we can see is his back. He is indulging in his own dance. At a point, he walk back to his seat and switch the spotlight on himself... in all, it looks like what the song is trying to say: a man who wanna make money from dancing.

Thereafter, we see the infamous dancing of macarena which may not be at all original but keeps you in the groove and reminisce about your very own macarena dance.

Then comes the scene when the people on the stage are walking randomly and hugging each other when "into my arms" is into its chorus. It is a delicate and beautiful hug, I must say. It is more like people falling into each other arms in seek of comfort.

What more can happen when you hear the tune of "My heart will go on"? There is a replay of the scene where Jack holds Rose by the waist at the helm of the ship. And control your laughter even if the couple are two guys or a guy holding to a heavy
Rose, or Rose holding to Jack who is the one flying.

You are led on thinking what could be next, when a beam of yellow light seep through a corner of the stage, and "we are living on a yellow submarine" is playing in the background. This continues till the song switch to ‘la vie en rose’ when you find yourself literally basking in the red light.

Colours.

When darkness returns again to “imagine” by John Lennon. You know the trick. But that does not stop people from fidgeting in their seating and flashing their hand phones in the dark. One start and the rest follows. I wonder again if this is all part of the show.

While waiting the next song to bring back the lights, you see it's not going to happen when the next song is "sound of silence". The music volume is turned down after the word "silence" pop out in the song. The audience gets participative and all we hear is our own humming of the song till the next "silence".

Before you get tired of staring in the dark, the group return on stage and “I'll be watching you”starts playing. The light falls on the audience seats and the set of 18 moves to the front, staring at you – the audience. You feel like being watched and get a little uncomfortable and fidgety.

You can't wait till sexual healing - "get up get up get up, let's make love tonight" - begins playing and you wonder what's next. But the people are not making any move. Still standing, still staring at you till a courageous couple in the audience get up for a smooch. You wonder again if this is part of the show.

In "killing me softly", they are each tangling in slow movements till they all close their eyes and end up lying dead on the ground.

When you think the climax is over and you can guess better what is coming up, each of them came out with mp3 and discman, plugging in earphones. The DJ turns conductor and gives them a signal. What follows is like what can happen when you are singing in your own shower. Bursts of verses from the different songs they are listening to came in sequences, and sometimes in choruses... “I'm still standing” “I'm too sexy” “I've got the power” “We are the world. We are the children”

When the finale came, "the show must go on", they assemble and bow like all endings, only they did it again and again till the song finishes.


We had the privilege to listen to the man himself for what he have to say. Jérôme appeared to be a humourous and genuine guy just like this very production.

Jérôme brings down the level to the people at large, the fact that this show can be enjoyed by any and everyone. It is just that straightforward. Watch and not hold back.

Art is not just reserved for the sophisticated.

This is all about good humour.

His cast of 18 were not selected, according to the man himself, performance is not about skills but the desire to perform. He said anyone can perform and do this show. It is that simple.

In the show, he dropped hints and even hints that were not there to keep us in a maze of what is real and what is not. Our reactions are as though being manipulated in a social experiment. We are the performers in Jérôme's interpretation as our own expectations and reactions come into play. Every thing in the show; every sound, light, laughter, intentional or accidental seems to be part of the show.

He plays with the human weaknesses pretty well. Expectation; telling you that expectations don't always come true. You are your very own expectation. Imagination; playing your mind with what is real and what is not. Nostalgia; m
aking it an experience you want to hold on to.

Watching this show is a very surreal and real experience.

It is worth the penny. Marvellous. I loved it!

17 October 2007

a turning point

It sounds contradictory that for one, I said we have to treat ourselves better and next, I said I can't afford to make it a choice this time.

How do the two things come to live together? I'm trying to figure it out myself.

What are the things that keep you going?

What are the things that keep me going? It used to be keeping my faith and ideals alive. One thing that has never changed, is the pursuit of happiness. It is this positive thinking that radiates every time I speak of things I look forward to.

Happiness can take on different forms. And sometimes, despite the things we put ourselves through, we can only focus on what makes all these worthwhile.

'a part of me just want to get on with it, no matter how things will turn out. another part of me want to find something better.'

I relied on my heart so much, for once, I need to go with my head.


What makes it worthwhile? It is the small things that we often fail to see.



what makes it worthwhile for me:

1. Going back to French classes

2. Getting an oven so I can bake

3. Realising the long-thought-about trip to Redang

4. Promising myself a holiday fulfillment trip to HK next year

5. Saving up for language immersion course in France in 2009


16 October 2007

can't choose

I felt stuffed up, suffocated by a sense of obligation - an obligation I can't afford to ignore this time.

How long more can I wait? What are the promises I have made myself since I took the turn?

I have to make them happen... now.

Like the other time, I had the same hesitation I have now and things didn't work out previously.

I just pray that it would be different this time - if not the things beyond me, I hope I would be stronger and tougher and able to persevere till a reasonable amount of time.

I can't sit on it any longer. 'Time and tide wait for no man'. I can't afford to choose.

Face it.

I need to make the most out of this, even if I don't want it as much as I should.

Give me strength.


15 October 2007

对自己好一点

记得有人告诉我: “既然我们今天不知道明天会发生的事,为何不对自己好一点?” 我一直没忘记这句话,它就一直挂在我脑海边。 明天永远是个未知数,谁也猜不到。说不定什么出乎预料的事即将发生在自己的身上。明天是否遇到个“一见钟情“或收到个震撼人心的消息, 还是会闭上眼后一觉不醒?

但是有谁会知道?

有时想想,我们都为个
未知数而活,不是很傻吗? “早知道会发生这样的事,我就。。。” 一个‘早知道’又何必当初?往往我们还不是因为当初的犹豫不决而感到惋惜。 一时的冲动也许带来后悔。我们可以后悔我们所做的事,但我们永远来不及后悔我们没办到的。

我们就是这样矛盾,不是活在过去的阴影,就是沉迷于不切实际的未来。

过去的一秒已经消失了,另一秒也许是不存在的。

那么这一秒,为什么不让自己过得开心一点,快乐一点?为什么我们不能为了这一刻而存在?

就因为今天是明天的昨天,今天是昨天的明天。。。 我们大概忘记为哪一天而活了吧!

但只有这一秒是真实的,只有这一秒你听到自己的呼吸和心跳声,只有这一秒你真正的活着。

相信这一秒钟:对自己好一点!

因为如果你能快乐了一点,为什么要委屈自己呢? 


01 October 2007

letter for santa

Dear Santa

Despite thousands of letters Santa receives from the children each year, I'm hoping that Santa gets to read this...

The story of Santa remains a legacy for those who believe in it. Every year there are letters for Santa cos people still believe, we still hope.

Santa, you and I, we share a special relationship. You are like a writer, and I, your reader.

You tell the story and we listen on.

Your story, at times, touched us, moved us, but what inspires us the most, is that the story continues; you continue to tell us that story.

Santa, you never failed us. Every year, you deliver your promises to continue that story.

That story; the story of believing in something, the story of hope.

And because of hope, we pray for a better tomorrow and we are trying to save mother earth.

Because of hope, I'm writing this, believing you are reading.

Continue to be that legacy.

From
The child who believes in Santa

"There can be miracles when you believe"