Disappointed
It was difficult to accept disappointments. It struck me hard, physically and mentally, pushing me to the verge of giving up. It was not the first time I had to deal with disappointment but it was harder this time.
Time and time again, I managed to pull through and gained conviction that a better opportunity is just ahead. This time, I had a harder time to convince myself that something better awaits.
This was afterall a perfect fit for me. Despite the obvious challenges it posed, I was all ready to push my limits and make it work this time. When I knew that possibility of even letting me try was gone, I felt that I lost all the fighting spirit that I had built up thus far. A sense of helplessness came over me, I felt terrible inside. I just didn't know what to expect next.
This has been a really tough year for me. I had an emotional roller coaster ride from the start of the year. It was like battling with my sanity. I felt I could lose it anytime if I let it be. I had to find a stronger willpower and the optimism to move on each time. And I did until this came to pull me down again.
I felt deeply discouraged. Life just gets harder, ain't it?
I knew that I only have myself to depend on. And I need to regain a positive mind again, and quickly. I need to bury the pain and move on. Stop looking back and get on with it. It is difficult but necessary.
I tried to rationalise the situation and told myself that it was fortunate that I even got a chance to fight for something I truly like, not everyone else gets the same chance. Like how I did not the last time. I told myself that at least it came to wake me up when I was close to accepting something that I might not even like, and accepting an option only out of circumstance. It was a blessing in disguise.
I know that the road ahead is not going to be easy, just like it has not been easy for the past months. It is like a vicious cycle that I am trying to break out from. I want to make a crash. I don't want things to stay status quo. I asked myself if there is something that I should change, that I need to change. Something about myself, my attitude and my beliefs.
Everyone needs to grow up, despite whatever age we are at. I felt that I needed to grow up too. It wasn't helpful staying in the same situation and waiting for the ideal one to come. I have waited long enough. I need to take action soon.
Time and time again, I managed to pull through and gained conviction that a better opportunity is just ahead. This time, I had a harder time to convince myself that something better awaits.
This was afterall a perfect fit for me. Despite the obvious challenges it posed, I was all ready to push my limits and make it work this time. When I knew that possibility of even letting me try was gone, I felt that I lost all the fighting spirit that I had built up thus far. A sense of helplessness came over me, I felt terrible inside. I just didn't know what to expect next.
This has been a really tough year for me. I had an emotional roller coaster ride from the start of the year. It was like battling with my sanity. I felt I could lose it anytime if I let it be. I had to find a stronger willpower and the optimism to move on each time. And I did until this came to pull me down again.
I felt deeply discouraged. Life just gets harder, ain't it?
I knew that I only have myself to depend on. And I need to regain a positive mind again, and quickly. I need to bury the pain and move on. Stop looking back and get on with it. It is difficult but necessary.
I tried to rationalise the situation and told myself that it was fortunate that I even got a chance to fight for something I truly like, not everyone else gets the same chance. Like how I did not the last time. I told myself that at least it came to wake me up when I was close to accepting something that I might not even like, and accepting an option only out of circumstance. It was a blessing in disguise.
I know that the road ahead is not going to be easy, just like it has not been easy for the past months. It is like a vicious cycle that I am trying to break out from. I want to make a crash. I don't want things to stay status quo. I asked myself if there is something that I should change, that I need to change. Something about myself, my attitude and my beliefs.
Everyone needs to grow up, despite whatever age we are at. I felt that I needed to grow up too. It wasn't helpful staying in the same situation and waiting for the ideal one to come. I have waited long enough. I need to take action soon.
posted by Jerylene at 11:06
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