perplexed.

I don't know when this sense of vulnerability came creeping in but I am feeling it more and more. It's nothing physical yet it is weighing on my mind like an invisible load. I couldn't tell that I am under any form of pressure. I couldn't make out what is troubling me deeply. I couldn't tell what is wrong. Someone asked if I was badly stressed out or that I sounded not my usual self. Even my body starts to signal. Yet I brushed it off as a day to day work stress or merely a one-time occurrence.

It is until the moment when I found myself dumb-struck, helpless and upset that I know that I have been under this extreme state of worry and vulnerability. It is not knowing what else to do, knowing that something is not right but nothing is done... some form of agony and worry seem to be hitting me really hard.

It's the third time I am tearing uncontrollably over it.

Suddenly, I feel that I am in a fragile state of mind. In a state that anything can happen if I let it be. A loss of control.

I went seeking comfort in the place where no logic resides... the illogical way to resolve an illogical conflict within my mind.

A talk with an old friend made me feel that these starting years have been tough for all of us... in individual yet similar ways. We began to see things that we never saw in our younger years. Realities surface, often harsh, and caught us all unprepared.

Over the years, we shed many tears. Of those, I remember they were tears of helplessness too when things were not going right and we didn't know what to do... when we had a tiff with a friend, when we did not get what we want, when we were at a crossroad.

These days, that similar feeling creeps up for a different reason.

I wish I could do more.